rat race rants...yet again

song of the day: a slew of very early rolling stones
help me (joni mitchell)

I think i have ADD or manic-depressive disorder when it comes to ambition. there will be times when out of nowhere a sudden drive and spark to create and do that thing that i know i should be doing (writing, writing and more writing) grips me and makes me want to just leave wherever i am and start it up already. but quick as a blink or sneeze, that feeling usually vanishes, replaced by the much more well-rooted "ehh, why bother? who will want to read it anyway?" etc etc etc. as it is right now, i'm literally FORCING myself to do this. mostly because i know have to if i ever want to escape this routine existence, i'll have to get into the groove of actually writing something. anything at all. i have an overwhelming fear of getting old and not having anything to show for it. being 26, at a job that's ok but ultimately not what i should be doing, gives me the feeling that i'm just wasting precious time doing NOTHING. i have about 3 or 4 ideas for novels in my head. i think they'd be interesting, but they're all based on things that have actually happened. i'm wondering if i could ever just make up a story in my head and make it into an interesting read. i don't think i've ever even attempted that. i also wish i was good at poetry. i've written one poem in my life that i think still holds up. it was a 9th grade assignment for religion class. i did it while watching seinfeld. somehow, it just came to me and basically wrote itself. i don't remember doing too many revisions. now? forget about it. i'd probably overthink the thing to death and leave it unfinished or, even more likely, unstarted.

went to various garage sales over the weekend and scored a couple records. the ones i'm particularly excited about are three joni mitchell albums from the early 70's. i don't think there's been a more perfect voice ever recorded...joni and karen carpenter. i can listen to either for hours...

well, that about does it for another installment of "what i think about when i should be writing about prescription drugs."