rat race rants...yet again

song of the day: a slew of very early rolling stones
help me (joni mitchell)

I think i have ADD or manic-depressive disorder when it comes to ambition. there will be times when out of nowhere a sudden drive and spark to create and do that thing that i know i should be doing (writing, writing and more writing) grips me and makes me want to just leave wherever i am and start it up already. but quick as a blink or sneeze, that feeling usually vanishes, replaced by the much more well-rooted "ehh, why bother? who will want to read it anyway?" etc etc etc. as it is right now, i'm literally FORCING myself to do this. mostly because i know have to if i ever want to escape this routine existence, i'll have to get into the groove of actually writing something. anything at all. i have an overwhelming fear of getting old and not having anything to show for it. being 26, at a job that's ok but ultimately not what i should be doing, gives me the feeling that i'm just wasting precious time doing NOTHING. i have about 3 or 4 ideas for novels in my head. i think they'd be interesting, but they're all based on things that have actually happened. i'm wondering if i could ever just make up a story in my head and make it into an interesting read. i don't think i've ever even attempted that. i also wish i was good at poetry. i've written one poem in my life that i think still holds up. it was a 9th grade assignment for religion class. i did it while watching seinfeld. somehow, it just came to me and basically wrote itself. i don't remember doing too many revisions. now? forget about it. i'd probably overthink the thing to death and leave it unfinished or, even more likely, unstarted.

went to various garage sales over the weekend and scored a couple records. the ones i'm particularly excited about are three joni mitchell albums from the early 70's. i don't think there's been a more perfect voice ever recorded...joni and karen carpenter. i can listen to either for hours...

well, that about does it for another installment of "what i think about when i should be writing about prescription drugs."

reconnect

songs of the day: go where you wanna go (the mamas and the papas)
gloria (U2)

I've become slightly obsessed with this Dali painting, Figure at a Window. I know less than zero when it comes to art. i can't even say, "...but, i know what i like" because that's not even true. But, when I went to see the Dali exhibit in Philly a few weeks back, out of all the wild, weird and interesting works on the wall, this one grabbed me the most. I wanted to buy a print of it, but it was $40. A poster was $15. I almost bought it, but then I thought, "What the fuck am i going to do with an enormous poster of a chick looking out a window?" So, someone my girl knows gave me a small magnet version which is on my cabinet at my desk at work. It's slightly above eye level and I just kinda gaze at it throughout the day. Call it, Daydreamer Looking at a Painting of a Figure at a Window.

I've decided I need to read and write more. I have stacks of NY Times unread at my place, it's becoming a friggin fire hazard. Since some of them are so fucking out of date, I started cutting out the articles I want to read that aren't dated, just like some of the features and stuff. now that pile is rivaling the unread pile. More importantly, I need to start writing if I'm ever going to ditch this hellish 9-5 (or -6 as my work day goes) existence. Nothing would be better than just having time to write, think, read, etc. But I know I'd end up beating off 5 times a day, getting stoned, playing tunes and waiting for someone interesting to come on IM. so sad. so fucking sad. I hate living for the weekends, which are always too short and too crammed with shit to do. Hurry and have as much fun as you can before you gotta get up for work in 48 hrs! What a weak existence...maybe I shouldn't be writing these things at 5 pm at work.

Not that i'm actually working. My buddy and I here are checking out college softball team websites for the hottie softball chicks from the weekend's tournaments on ESPN. I'm sure the girls really appreciate that...well, maybe the cute ones do, anyway...

so i told my friend Jenny I was attempting to write in a blog and she wants to see it. Unfortunately, this is all I have to offer. sorry, girl!

I love writing as if anyone, anyone at all, is reading this. It's got to be as crazy as talking to yourself.
Til next time, nick...